Grace, Peace, and Other Thoughts

unresolved.

March 3, 2010 at 12:29 am (Uncategorized)

The last 7 or so months of my life have been a whirlwind of heartbreak, paradigm shifts, tearing down, rebuilding, struggle, joy, and learning the art of finding light in the dark.

I am at a point of having quite a few of the pieces but I’m not quite sure how to put them together.  I am not far ahead enough in this journey to knowI  how to make sense of any of it now. I am at a constant crossroad.

Somewhere along the line, I have stopped responding to things like spirituality and supernatural experiences. I dissected G-d so much that I was not left with anything. Pretty literally. I could not say a simple prayer without driving myself crazy with thoughts of the intricacies and metaphysics of prayer. I could no longer simply do much.

And so I became very religious. Because religion has order. It has rationale. I take communion because it makes sense. I go to church every week because community is a basic human need. I could systematize religion. It is orderly and safe. Spirituality is not. Spirituality is a bit messier- bit more abstract. It cannot be controlled or put in a box. Spirituality, like love or really any other emotion, was beyond my reach. And it still might be.

One of the reasons I’ve had such a hard time with spirituality and things of that nature was because I could not, without a shadow of a doubt, prove to myself that it was authentic. Asking me to buy into this whole Jesus thing is quite the risk. Giving authority to others to speak into my life when I dont agree, dying to self for my community, or even saying that simple prayer- it all seems like a huge waste of time if it turns out to be fraudulent.  What if this whole thing (Christianity, spirituality, etc..) isnt what Jesus had in mind in the first place? What if it wasnt true?

But lately I’ve been realizing truth is incredibly messy. And, unlike religion, cannot be put into some kind of strain of systematic theology. There will never be a moment where I realize that I’ve got it figured out. No book will give me all the answers. No sermon will completely satisfy all my intellectual inquiries. No conversation will ever give me complete peace and calm all my inner spiritual turmoil.

Nothing could ever satisfy all my questions. I will never be able to just find truth. As if all of “truth” could just be stumbled upon- or be grasped for that matter- as if it was an inanimate object waiting to be found.

So I find that the question shifts from “Is it possible to have  a ‘relationship’ with G-d thats authentic? ” to… well I dont know yet.

I do not feel at peace about what I have concluded here. In fact, it is more troubling that anything else. Because even though I have indeed convinced myself about what I’ve written then I must realize that it is not the doubt that is keeping me from G-d, but my unwillingness to do so.

I am unresolved.