Grace, Peace, and Other Thoughts

Jesus.

April 4, 2011 at 6:16 am (Uncategorized)

Jesus.

 

This name scandalizes me to no end. Its so confrontational and politically charged.

 

Jesus.

 

Ah. It sends chills up my spine. I instantly think of Saved! And white buddy Jesus from Dogma. It reminds me of the Jesus I had growing up. Angry, vengeful, and much like His scary Old Testament Father. Not only that, my mind also immediately goes to the “salvation prayer” and cheesy youth group talks that are answering questions I didn’t ask.

 

Jesus.

 

Ugh.

 

And yet.

 

I have been ignoring Jesus for quite some time now. It’s been a solid year or so since I have last REALLY thought about Jesus. It’s like Jesus was an ex boyfriend I thought I would marry and be with forever. But we ended up splitting up for whatever reason (too young to commit?) and thought it best to stay friends, but nothing too committed. A friend I see at a party and nod knowingly to, maybe make small talk, but then move on. And so I haven’t thought about much about Jesus.

 

I go to a beautiful church and the people there talk about Jesus all the time. I don’t mind it. I don’t get sick of his story. It has always compelled me and I like hearing about it over and over again. He has a beautiful story. The revolutionary Jesus- turning religion upside down! It’s a great narrative. Jesus’ life is something, no question, I have always wanted to follow. But as far as Jesus being IN my life, the way G-d is in my life? Maybe too far.

 

I have finally accepted, relented, or whatever word, that I connect with G-d. That sounds weird as I type it, but nonetheless. G-d makes sense in all her mystery and wonder and awe. G-d is something I want to be a part of. And am. Everyday. I used to have issues with prayer and talking to G-d, but now it seems natural (for the most part. I still have my moments). I have had my night wrestling with G-d and have walked out with a limp, blessed, and ready for whatever She has in store for me.

 

But Jesus? A bit too human. A bit too dogmatic.

 

And yet.

 

He’s been appearing to me everywhere lately. Not in a piece of grilled cheese or anything like that (though that would be awesome), but in other places. After “sacred quiet time” (as I dorkily call it) as I’m walking back to my car and the weather is a blue that is so perfectly blue. The blue that I used to see when I colored the sky as a kid. An irrationally beautiful blue with perfect white clouds and meticulously placed trees that made the shadows just so. And I looked up and saw all these electric posts with wires hanging in between them. And they looked like crosses.

 

Crosses. The last thing I wanted to see was a cross. But I stopped. And I sat right on that colorful road. And I listened.

 

Tonight, at church, I heard it again. And I saw that cross again. And I wrestled with it. I tore that piece of bread off of that loaf and dipped it into that faux wine and heard the words, for the millionth time, “Christ’s body broken for you. Christ’s blood shed for you.”

 

Why?

 

I’m not much for atonement theology. I’m not much for sacrificial offerings. And as I held those sacred, beautiful, mysterious elements in my hand, I remembered that electric post and words that were song earlier in that night.

 

Christ in me. Christ in me. The Hope of Glory.

 

The Hope of Glory.

 

As I choked back tears and tried to keep my composure, my ground was shaken.

 

The Hope of Glory. This Cross. This bizarre and miraculous event that took place thousands of years ago was my G-d, our G-d, saying that Death, Defeat, Oppression, will never ever ever have the final word.

 

What Jesus did on that Cross matters not only then, but now.

 

It’s hope.

 

The Christian hope is that death never has the final say. No matter what society has valued you at, no matter how broken your heart is, no matter what terrible things you think about yourself, Death does not have the final answer.

 

This is the Christian hope.

As my brilliant and wise friend Bridget said tonight, “Your opinion of yourself does not dictate what G-d does or does not in your life.” Life from death.

 

Lent is a season for death, for mourning. Lent is a season where we truly confront ourselves in our community and discern what needs awakening. Lent is about struggling in darkness. But it never ends there.

 

Jesus. Resurrection. It doesn’t end here either.

 

Awe inspiring words that I still do not comprehend.

 

And it seems, still too soon to reflect on.

 

But maybe, that’s where it all truly starts.